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January 27, 2013
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The End  

Through the matted haze
A silhouette, man or monster?
Are you there?
A trick of blackened mind?
You’d think my intended liberation cruelly selfish.
You’d ask -
What of the children? What of you? What of us?
These come as gifts to cling to.

I try to tell you.

I walk on the edge of an abyss.
But I am ignorant of it.
I am a fool to feel safe. A fool, unaware.
I walk for a while, and everything is okay.
There’s a path I follow, it leads straight, it seems wide.
The abyss always looms and I have to notice it.

It’s always waiting now. Always in the corner of my mind.
I trick myself sometimes into thinking it’s not there.
I distract myself along the path.
But one little stumble, the smallest of stones, and I am falling into it.
To start with I can catch myself, and drag myself back up.
Always I fall a little further.

Until one day I fall in completely.

I hit the depths and my body shatters.
The pain renders me incapable.
The darkness and fog cloud all vision and dream.
And I run, on and on and on.
I seek desperate escape; clawing, crying, dying, but never ending.
The darkness only envelops me further, cradling me in it’s shackles.

Then it dawns, the slightest ray of chilling hope, for there is only one escape that I can see.

And escape I must.
I used to judge people with depression really harshly. Like "man up, get over it." And then some things happened in my life that led to me suffering from depression and I finally understood.

And then I had a friend who had someone close to them try and commit suicide, and it upset him a lot, as it would anyone. And because I had suffered from depression, I was able to help him to understand why someone gets to that point.

And suicide is never the right answer, never. But what I want from this poem is for people to see what leads to suicide, and that it's not an act of attention seeking or even that point, a cry for help. It's a desperate attempt to escape the crushing pain and darkness that surrounds a person, because they can see no other escape. (Although there are other ways of escape, and if anyone feels trapped in depression at the moment, I encourage you to seek help :) even if its just to note me).

I worked through my depression with the help of very supporting friends and family, and a wonderful therapist who taught me some techniques to help me before I spiral too far. Depression never really goes away, but with help I have learned to cope much, much easier and life is getting exciting again.

And I hope that this poem helps people to better understand people who suffer from depression, and maybe even help to start to heal some hurt caused by someone you care doing this.

And for anyone that suffers from depression, please go check out this blog - boggletheowl.tumblr.com/
Boggle the Owl is a small way to receive encouraging thoughts that sometimes brighten your day :)

-----------

Thank you for sharing with me
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:iconrottenrose16:
I have depression too. But mine isn't caused by an event. It's genetic. And that's even worse. There is no reason to be sad. Just this overwhelming thought that all we ever do is suffer our entire lives and fight to live just to eventually die anyways. But no one understands so I made a mask. And now I've his under it for so long, the real me can only peak through occasionally. I don't even know who the real me is. All I know is what my mask would do. And so I do it.
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:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Dec 6, 2013   General Artist
Yeah I remember the day when I was told that depression never really goes away, it's something you'll be fighting for the rest of your life.

I went home and I was so overwhelmed by it. I thought like.. what's the point then? That sounds like a horrible, traumatic and pointless life to have to live.

But as I got further and further through my therapy, I learned a lot of coping mechanisms that meant that I started to discover myself again. It was so hard at first but I saw more and more of myself emerge, and I found out more about myself too that I didn't know. I started to feel normal again.

And then I realised that it is worth it. It's hard sometimes. Really hard. There are whole days/weeks/months sometimes where I just don't want to exist. But with these exercises I could get through the hard parts and more and more often now there are just great periods of light, and fun, and interest, and motivation. I hadn't felt motivation in so long.

I know depression is so numbing, and it's hard to have to put up a mask for other people. It's a coping mechanism, to get through each day. And it's okay to do that. You have to do whatever you can to get through each day.

But I know the real you is there too, who is amazing, and worth loving, and interesting (even when you are depressed). And even if you don't know who that person is, that doesn't make you any less important :) With a mask or without, you are wonderful, and so brave for making it through every day.

And there will be times in life where you suffer more then other times, but I promise you sometimes there are good times too, and suddenly the reason for living makes so much sense :)
And when you're ready for it, there are ways to help yourself feel like that more and more often :heart:
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:icongrimface242:
This completely captures the depressed mind.  I don't exactly see the suicide to it, but I think that's because I tend to avoid that topic entering my head at all costs.  Well that, and I always wanna see the happy ending.  So I'm pretending this is a happy ending.  :)

Personally, I don't think the first two stanzas are necessary.  They draw the mind away from the topic and honestly, they're not NEARLY as good as what comes after. :clap:
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:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Feb 20, 2014   General Artist
It took me a long time to come back to this. I'm really sorry about that. I think I lacked a lot of courage, because I wrote this at my darkest time and edited it on the way up. I think maybe I worried that having to put myself back in that place again would trigger another sort of spiral.

But actually it was nice to come back to in the end. Because this time I could look at it the way you said, with two possible endings. That that's why I renamed it 'The End' instead of Attempted Suicide. Because this way the end can be anything :) 
So I just really wanted to come back and say thank you :) This poem took on a new meaning to me because of your feedback, one that I'll treasure :)
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:icongrimface242:
:tears:

You've no idea how this reply just made my day.  I'm happy I was able to put a different spin on it for you.  :love:
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:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Feb 21, 2014   General Artist
I'm glad I said something then! haha yay :heart:
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:iconshadalex1011:
ShadAlex1011 May 13, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
I understand I'm told the same everyday like get over it an crap but I still cut because I'm still treated like crap...
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford May 17, 2013   General Artist
There is no just getting over it unfortunately, and I think people are only just coming to understand mental illness more generally lately. I was diagnosed officially last week by a therapist with depression, and I've found that now I can tell people that I 'officially' am, they've backed off, and are much more gentle and caring.
It shouldn't take that to get them to be like that, but unfortunately many people don't understand what they haven't suffered.
You are amazing, and strong, and a fighter I think. And I encourage you to maybe look into something like therapy too. It can be hard to do, and sometimes it can take a few to find one that fits you right, but they can help teach you coping mechanisms that might make you feel better then cutting. Because you deserve the best :) You deserve to be treated with love and respect, even by yourself. Keep fighting :) *hugs*
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:iconshadalex1011:
ShadAlex1011 May 17, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Thanks. I will look Into getting a therapist and people still treat me like crap. I've cut in front of a teacher and students and they know. They still do that crap and its just annoying. But thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. I was also diagnosed with depression on a test we took in RSVP but my mom never got me a therapist. But I will try. Thanks again
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:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford May 17, 2013   General Artist
I ended up going to a university and getting a doctorate student to be mine because it was free lol

I hope all goes well with you :) People that treat you like that aren't worth the time or the thought :)
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