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The End  

Through the matted haze
A silhouette, man or monster?
Are you there?
A trick of blackened mind?
You’d think my intended liberation cruelly selfish.
You’d ask -
What of the children? What of you? What of us?
These come as gifts to cling to.

I try to tell you.

I walk on the edge of an abyss.
But I am ignorant of it.
I am a fool to feel safe. A fool, unaware.
I walk for a while, and everything is okay.
There’s a path I follow, it leads straight, it seems wide.
The abyss always looms and I have to notice it.

It’s always waiting now. Always in the corner of my mind.
I trick myself sometimes into thinking it’s not there.
I distract myself along the path.
But one little stumble, the smallest of stones, and I am falling into it.
To start with I can catch myself, and drag myself back up.
Always I fall a little further.

Until one day I fall in completely.

I hit the depths and my body shatters.
The pain renders me incapable.
The darkness and fog cloud all vision and dream.
And I run, on and on and on.
I seek desperate escape; clawing, crying, dying, but never ending.
The darkness only envelops me further, cradling me in it’s shackles.

Then it dawns, the slightest ray of chilling hope, for there is only one escape that I can see.

And escape I must.
I used to judge people with depression really harshly. Like "man up, get over it." And then some things happened in my life that led to me suffering from depression and I finally understood.

And then I had a friend who had someone close to them try and commit suicide, and it upset him a lot, as it would anyone. And because I had suffered from depression, I was able to help him to understand why someone gets to that point.

And suicide is never the right answer, never. But what I want from this poem is for people to see what leads to suicide, and that it's not an act of attention seeking or even that point, a cry for help. It's a desperate attempt to escape the crushing pain and darkness that surrounds a person, because they can see no other escape. (Although there are other ways of escape, and if anyone feels trapped in depression at the moment, I encourage you to seek help :) even if its just to note me).

I worked through my depression with the help of very supporting friends and family, and a wonderful therapist who taught me some techniques to help me before I spiral too far. Depression never really goes away, but with help I have learned to cope much, much easier and life is getting exciting again.

And I hope that this poem helps people to better understand people who suffer from depression, and maybe even help to start to heal some hurt caused by someone you care doing this.

And for anyone that suffers from depression, please go check out this blog - boggletheowl.tumblr.com/
Boggle the Owl is a small way to receive encouraging thoughts that sometimes brighten your day :)

-----------

Thank you for sharing with me
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:iconrottenrose16:
RottenRose16 Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013
I have depression too. But mine isn't caused by an event. It's genetic. And that's even worse. There is no reason to be sad. Just this overwhelming thought that all we ever do is suffer our entire lives and fight to live just to eventually die anyways. But no one understands so I made a mask. And now I've his under it for so long, the real me can only peak through occasionally. I don't even know who the real me is. All I know is what my mask would do. And so I do it.
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2013   General Artist
Yeah I remember the day when I was told that depression never really goes away, it's something you'll be fighting for the rest of your life.

I went home and I was so overwhelmed by it. I thought like.. what's the point then? That sounds like a horrible, traumatic and pointless life to have to live.

But as I got further and further through my therapy, I learned a lot of coping mechanisms that meant that I started to discover myself again. It was so hard at first but I saw more and more of myself emerge, and I found out more about myself too that I didn't know. I started to feel normal again.

And then I realised that it is worth it. It's hard sometimes. Really hard. There are whole days/weeks/months sometimes where I just don't want to exist. But with these exercises I could get through the hard parts and more and more often now there are just great periods of light, and fun, and interest, and motivation. I hadn't felt motivation in so long.

I know depression is so numbing, and it's hard to have to put up a mask for other people. It's a coping mechanism, to get through each day. And it's okay to do that. You have to do whatever you can to get through each day.

But I know the real you is there too, who is amazing, and worth loving, and interesting (even when you are depressed). And even if you don't know who that person is, that doesn't make you any less important :) With a mask or without, you are wonderful, and so brave for making it through every day.

And there will be times in life where you suffer more then other times, but I promise you sometimes there are good times too, and suddenly the reason for living makes so much sense :)
And when you're ready for it, there are ways to help yourself feel like that more and more often :heart:
Reply
:iconinknalcohol:
inknalcohol Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013   Writer
This completely captures the depressed mind.  I don't exactly see the suicide to it, but I think that's because I tend to avoid that topic entering my head at all costs.  Well that, and I always wanna see the happy ending.  So I'm pretending this is a happy ending.  :)

Personally, I don't think the first two stanzas are necessary.  They draw the mind away from the topic and honestly, they're not NEARLY as good as what comes after. :clap:
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:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014   General Artist
It took me a long time to come back to this. I'm really sorry about that. I think I lacked a lot of courage, because I wrote this at my darkest time and edited it on the way up. I think maybe I worried that having to put myself back in that place again would trigger another sort of spiral.

But actually it was nice to come back to in the end. Because this time I could look at it the way you said, with two possible endings. That that's why I renamed it 'The End' instead of Attempted Suicide. Because this way the end can be anything :) 
So I just really wanted to come back and say thank you :) This poem took on a new meaning to me because of your feedback, one that I'll treasure :)
Reply
:iconinknalcohol:
inknalcohol Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2014   Writer
:tears:

You've no idea how this reply just made my day.  I'm happy I was able to put a different spin on it for you.  :love:
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2014   General Artist
I'm glad I said something then! haha yay :heart:
Reply
:iconshadalex1011:
ShadAlex1011 Featured By Owner May 13, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
I understand I'm told the same everyday like get over it an crap but I still cut because I'm still treated like crap...
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner May 17, 2013   General Artist
There is no just getting over it unfortunately, and I think people are only just coming to understand mental illness more generally lately. I was diagnosed officially last week by a therapist with depression, and I've found that now I can tell people that I 'officially' am, they've backed off, and are much more gentle and caring.
It shouldn't take that to get them to be like that, but unfortunately many people don't understand what they haven't suffered.
You are amazing, and strong, and a fighter I think. And I encourage you to maybe look into something like therapy too. It can be hard to do, and sometimes it can take a few to find one that fits you right, but they can help teach you coping mechanisms that might make you feel better then cutting. Because you deserve the best :) You deserve to be treated with love and respect, even by yourself. Keep fighting :) *hugs*
Reply
:iconshadalex1011:
ShadAlex1011 Featured By Owner May 17, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Thanks. I will look Into getting a therapist and people still treat me like crap. I've cut in front of a teacher and students and they know. They still do that crap and its just annoying. But thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. I was also diagnosed with depression on a test we took in RSVP but my mom never got me a therapist. But I will try. Thanks again
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner May 17, 2013   General Artist
I ended up going to a university and getting a doctorate student to be mine because it was free lol

I hope all goes well with you :) People that treat you like that aren't worth the time or the thought :)
Reply
:iconshadalex1011:
ShadAlex1011 Featured By Owner May 17, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Yeah I know and lol. It was free. My mom would do that if it was free. And I know there not worth anything but I'm one of those people who can't handle criticism an I will just cry in the middle of class and its happened before. I wish I was one of those people who could handle criticism and not cry but I'm not. I don't even know what I did to them. It's like why do you hate me, what have I done to you? It sucks but I'm still going.
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner May 17, 2013   General Artist
Oh wow, yeah, that's so hard.
At my worst, I was working and I would burst into tears in the middle of a conversation with a customer. I walked out several times because I couldn't handle it.
Of course people can't understand that :/ but there was nothing I could do at that point. I just had no control over the tears and how they made me feel.

If you ever want, I could PM you one of the things my therapist has me do when I feel like that?

The fact that you're still going speaks to how strong and amazing you are :)
Reply
:iconshadalex1011:
ShadAlex1011 Featured By Owner May 18, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Thanks. That made me smile. That's sounds great. would you want to PM me? That would be nice... Thanks, your helping me through this tough time.
Reply
:icontintinytdj:
Tintinytdj Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I was about to attack this, but the only thing I found wrong about this is that suicide has no negative side effect on you except for the part where you kill yourself.
Furthermore there is no gradual descent into suicide, there is however a gradual descent into insanity and/or harsher forms of depression.
Suicide is a binary value, which is why it goes wrong relatively often.
Reply
:iconarienkronian:
ArienKronian Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013
I can't say I have depression because the black moods never last more than 2 weeks (for which I am thankful...I am an atheist but feel thankful anyway)...but when in the midst of it, the thoughts can be so "irrational" so black, so violent, they terrify me. But they always pass, for which again I am glad...because I know for some people, the darkness goes on for weeks, months, years. I hope I don't meet with life circumstances where it

The significant other's cousin killed himself last year, naturally his family was devastated. They never knew, he seemed so happy etc and they were a close-knit, if geographically distant, family.

Recently at work, a security guard killed herself with her gun too and each time I ask "Why why why?" even as I feel a deep sense of compassion for their pain.

What you wrote paints for me what I think they must have felt. I only wish that I can understand even a little, so that if any one I know opens up to me about their depression, I will be able to understand.
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013   General Artist
Honestly I'm so glad I wrote this poem, because each time I get a comment, people share with me things that really open this beyond myself.

You show me the scope of compassion people can have for each other and I really admire you. And you inspire and encourage me. Wanting to be there or understand people that have depression can be a really hard, emotional and even a tiring thing. But it's such a good thing, because it's so needed. So thank you for wanting that. And I'm so sorry about those people you know who ended their lives. I wish that that had never happened.
Reply
:iconarienkronian:
ArienKronian Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013
Ah, but people such as yourself, allow me to understand better. :)
If people did not have the courage to write, I would not be able to try to understand.

So many people with depression are afraid of being judged and I think that is sad. There is so much stigma sometimes - everyone worries they are a burden. But everyone needs a helping hand or a listening ear. :)

If my listening ear can allow someone's heavy heart to lift for even a short moment, then I'll have made a difference. ^^
Reply
:iconarienkronian:
ArienKronian Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013
I left a half sentence hanging there...
I meant to say:

I hope I don't meet with life circumstances where the darkness is unrelenting and I lose my hope to live, because I have a good life and I realise I take trivial things way too hard and don't know how to cope healthily with my negative emotions.
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013   General Artist
That's something I am learning too. Well, trying to learn. It's quite hard to get a reign on my emotions sometimes, they can override everything while they're happening.

I guess it's just moment, by moment, trying to not let them rule instant decision making xD
Reply
:iconbittersweetmew:
BittersweetMew Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013
I understand every word you said, I also suffered from depression myself and still do... and each time when the pain was so harsh I thought that the suicide was the answer... My religion forbids me to do it and the only way keeping me from doing it is that I consider it a cowardly act and that I have so many good things that I just can't let go... but I fear that someday the pain that never leaves became too much...

Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem with us :)
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013   General Artist
I hope that day never comes for you, because there are definitely other ways out, even though they are hard, and a struggle, and often involve the support of family or friends. Even though it seems like there aren't other ways. It's worth every struggle to find another way :) You are very loved :)

Thank you for reading the poem :heart: :heart: :hug:
Reply
:iconchoco-latte-squirrel:
choco-latte-squirrel Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I don't believe suicide is cowardly, but I also believe it isn't the right answer. Ir's hard to get through life, and people can suffer from depression, but honestly, the true cowards are people who don't help that person with the problem and help them find happiness again!

This is all indeed good.
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013   General Artist
Thank you : )
Reply
:iconchoco-latte-squirrel:
choco-latte-squirrel Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Welcome.
Reply
:iconprojectilewordvomit:
projectilewordvomit Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Suicide is unfortunately not the end of pain, but the transfer of that pain elsewhere. Good work.
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013   General Artist
Yeah :(

thank you :)
Reply
:iconkilowattkatie:
KilowattKatie Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Professional General Artist
Lovely poem Che. :heart:

I've been going through this over the past few years (both with myself and with friends), so I totally understand and agree with what you're saying.

It's interesting that you describe darkness and stumbling/falling in to an abyss - I know a lot of people see depression that way. I tend to see darkness and enclosed spaces as comforting (I'm a bit of a claustrophile - haha) so my description of depression is very different. I feel like depression is more like being inside a silent white bubble, where everything outside the bubble is noisy and colourful and cheery - but I can't see it or touch it or hear it. And that at any moment, a metaphorical 'gust of wind' will make the bubble fly away in to nothingness. It would be interesting to know if any body else feels that way.

I hope your friend will understand that their friend was just trying to find an end to the hurt/loneliness/anger/sorrow - even if it was the worst possible route. And I hope your friend's friend will heal soon.

:heart:
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:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013   General Artist
Hey Katie :D thank you for reading my poem :heart: It's been interesting hearing the ways that people describe depression. One person said it was like a woollen blanket thrown over there head, blocking out everything.

I can understand that, and I can understand yours too. It seems that depression feels like a separation. Like the world is blocked off or fuzzy.

Thanks for the thoughts for my friend, and his friend :)

I hope you are doing okay to, and your friends :) Lots of love and hugs :huggle:
Reply
:iconkilowattkatie:
KilowattKatie Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Professional General Artist
:hug:
Reply
:iconaqvavitae:
aqvavitae Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013
Thank you for your beautiful words.
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013   General Artist
Thank you for reading it :)
Reply
:iconfa-la-lala:
Fa-la-lala Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Student General Artist
Amazing, you hit the nail on the head. Your message has has been conveyed!
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013   General Artist
Thank you :)
Reply
:icondancingshadowleaves:
DancingShadowLeaves Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
As someone who has suffered from depression, you got it exactly right. It is a beautiful poem. :nod:
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013   General Artist
Thank you so much. Bug :huggle: !!
Reply
:iconmordial33:
Mordial33 Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is very profound...very haunting. The repitition in the first stanza was great, but it was a little overused in the second stanza. (Don't take my opinion to heart because it is just that; an opinion. I am hardly an expert.) Overall, great job! And welcome to Shadow poetry!
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013   General Artist
Thank you so much for this comment!

You're the first person to give me some feedback on how the format of the poem and it's appreciated. Because truthfully, this is one of my first poems, and I don't know much about what makes a good one lol. I'm a creative writing student but I tend to lean toward short stories.

I did 4 in the second stanza partly because I did 4 lines in the first. Would you suggest not doing as many? or changing what it says? I'm just curious : ) Because I'd love to learn

And thanks for the welcome : )
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:iconmalphasloveshisfries:
malphasloveshisfries Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Student Writer
Ugh. THIS IS SO GOOD. I WANT ALL OF IT TATTOOED ON MY FACE. :'D

You really capture depression in here. It sent chills up and down my spine and almost brought me to tears. This is a captivating and powerful poem. I think you should seriously consider trying to publish it somehow.
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:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013   General Artist
Haha your comment cracked me up a little bit xD that would make for an interesting tattoo lololol

Thank you for reading it, and your feedback and stuff : D

I was thinking about entering it into my university poetry competition because the winner wins 4 hours mentoring time with a published author, which would be pretty awesome.
Reply
:iconmalphasloveshisfries:
malphasloveshisfries Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Student Writer
Go for it. :D I think you'd have a fair shot.
Reply
:iconbleumune:
BleuMune Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is very good. I can certainly relate to it.
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013   General Artist
Thank you so much

Big :huggle:!
Reply
:iconbleumune:
BleuMune Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome, and thank you for that hug! I really needed one today. ^ ^
Reply
:iconbblotus:
bblotus Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
The public would have a much better understanding of the clinical illness "Depression" if they thought of it like "schizophrenia" where it isn't a "I'm feeling really sad because bad stuff happens to me." and more like a literal insanity where something in the brain stops functioning correct.

Edgar Allen Poe said it wonderfully with, "the ultimate dim Thule that I appear out of and it taints everything."

The same reason why some people become addicts, alcoholics, raging domestic abusers. A wire that got crossed wrong.

When you are afflicked with depression you can't imagine a time in your life when it wasn't there - and can't imagine a time when it could ever go away.

But then if it does go away, "was that person even me?" like remembering a movie you watched a long time ago.
Reply
:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013   General Artist
Yeah definitely. I agree with this. I look back now with an odd sort of interest and wonder what caused me to be like that. Because it's very all or nothing, like a switch. At least it was for me. And I think the way you view depression is perhaps a very good way to describe it to people who have never suffered from it.
Reply
:iconlighty110:
Lighty110 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
This is just... Amazing. Thank you for posting this. I went through this a few years ago. I was depressed after a series of negative events happened in my life (my parents divorced, my cousin was killed in a shooting, and I was bullied at school when I started to withdraw from the world) and it was like I was moving through the fog at night. I couldn't hear things properly, I couldn't see things properly, and I was lost in nothingness. Another thing that I compared the darkness to when I later talked to the therapist my mom forced me to see was a blanket. The depression was like a think wool blanket that blocked everything out. Honestly the one thing that kept me going on was my little brother. When I felt myself slipping I thought of him. I felt like nobody cared, not even him, but I kept trying to remember him as I got worse. I thought of how he had cried when a drunk driver had almost hit me when I was riding my bike and I kept telling myself, 'Don't give him any reason to cry... Don't cause him pain'.

I cut once and I thought of suicide a lot. I had Googled knots and how to hang yourself. I kept a knife in my room and I would look at it every night and think about suicide. And then I would think of my brother and I would put the knife away with shaking hands. My mother found me with that knife in my hands one night and I was rushed to the hospital. I got treatment and I've been on anti-depressants ever since. They've helped me get my life on track.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to get at is that depression is really hard to deal with. When you're depressed it is so difficult to wake up, get out of bed, and do your daily routine. I was lucky. I had my brother as a daily reminder that I couldn't give in to the darkness. If I didn't have him then I would probably be dead right now because he was my only tie to this world that I could see. Some depressed people don't have that tie and so they escape from what they see as a hopeless situation. I realize now that suicide is not the right answer, but I understand why people do it. They aren't weak. They aren't despicable, horrible, terrible people who deserve to go to hell like some people think for 'committing a sin'. They have held on for so long and have endured so much and they just can't deal with any more pain. They can't see any other solutions, in fact, they only believe in the one option after a certain point. It's sad but true.
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:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013   General Artist
I love how you described this is a wool blanket blocking everything out, because that's exactly what if felt like to me. I was fortunate enough too to have my sister like you had your brother, who I wanted to get better for, because she's the most important person in my life. It's what motivated me to go see a counselor, something I had previously been quite opposed to.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Although I don't want anyone to ever feel like this, it is in some ways comforting to hear that I'm not the only one. And it's also amazing of you to share that you managed to work through it, which I think is something very encouraging for a lot of the people who have been reading my poem.

Thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconmoocow152:
moocow152 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so glad someone finally decided to say something for once. I have attempted twice and people have told me "get over it" and "stop being selfish".
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:iconche-crawford:
Che-Crawford Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013   General Artist
I'm so sorry people have said those kinds of things to you.

It's hard to just 'get over it.' Depressions isn't something you can just get over. It's a long and hard road. Very hard. I know for me... I just didn't know where to start. I wanted to feel better but I had no idea how to do it. And it was lots of little things, and the ways people talked to me that helped me to move forwards.

You need to look after yourself, mental health included, and that's not selfish, it's very reasonable and important. (not that I'm saying suicide is taking care of yourself). I'm so glad that you're still here and still fighting : ) You're very important, and worth loving, and worthy of life and happiness. I'm sure those people want that for you too and just don't know how to tell you : )
Reply
:iconmoocow152:
moocow152 Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much. That means a lot <3
Reply
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